After the storm was written and posted for OKZFC, ORNFC, on June 5th 2007...it was later
added to Cross Creek: The Lewis Family Section on the Sentinel Scribes Board... I'm glad to share it with you here at GLC. This story focuses on Josh and
Reva and also Cassie and Billy as well.
After The Storm...
Josh snapped his cell phone shut, and stared at the closed screen door. The cool spring air swirled around him suddenly and a flash of dry lightening threatened the night. He wished that Reva had picked up instead of her voice mail; he was never comfortable leaving messages. He saw the outline of Cassie almost melting against the door. He knew she would probably sink into the darkness that constantly seemed to consume her. Now was not the time to deal with her and her demons, not when he had so many of his own. So he turned and walked away; off the solid wood porch and down the steps. Cassie heard the muffled echo of his shoes. He left…and tears escaped her as a vision of Tammy appeared before her.
Reva was in the shower at Cross Creek. She had turned off her cell and taken the phone off the hook wanting nothing more than the silence an evening alone would afford. The water was almost like fire coursing down her body, the body that like the soul was begging to be released from her tortured thoughts. The bathroom was steamy and smelled of Jasmine and Lilacs - a little something Marah had sent in a care package that had been neatly set by the door when she arrived home. Lifting her head to the pulsing water she opened her mouth, the tears came freely, the sound silenced by the waters warmth. She closed her eyes and collapsed against the shower wall. She was overwhelmed by the thought of another time - this shower, this place…so far away though. Mama had just passed away, and she and Josh were once again lost in that dizzying dance of do we, or don't we try. She had felt the water hot on her skin that morning; she had felt herself willing it to wash him away. Then she heard his voice, asking about breakfast and she could feel him all around her. She knew his hand was resting on the shower curtain. She wanted to hide, to pull herself away, and yet all at once she wanted him to pull back that curtain and kiss away the confusion.
Josh turned onto the familiar road to Cross Creek and its new location; every bump and turn sending him deeper inside of himself . First he had been angry, talking to the night, cursing Reva and all of the memories and thoughts that he wanted to bundle up and discard. However as he slowly made his way to her the anger broke free and floated off of him to rest in the night sky. Somewhere far from his reach, replaced by all of the what-ifs that only a man who has loved a woman like he had her could possess. Dreams of another time slowly began to surface, painting a picture of memories across the canvas of his mind. He recreated her laugh, her smile, her scent till he was surrounded by her. It was wrong, wasn't it, to long so badly for an idea you resist daily.
Reva slowly turned off the faucet and wrapped herself in a soft oversize bath towel. She brought her gaze level with the mirror before her watching the teary eyes that were her own look back. She knew Cassie had him…how wasn't worth wondering. And she knew that she needed to leave the scene of the accident now, float free and make her own way. But how - How to forget, or push past a man that commanded her attention? Every piece of who they were today was built by their shared past. Like two trees, roots tangled, each trying to reach the sun by its own power; so consumed by the task they refuse to acknowledge the attachment to the other. Wrapped in her robe, Reva went out of the bedroom and made her way to the kitchen. She wanted to put on some water for tea. With the kettle heating she sat down and sighed. Leaning back she let her head fall onto the soft back of the couch and let her eyes close. Sleep…that's what she needed she thought - sweet inviting sleep. Sweet dreamless sleep.
Josh's car made it to the drive and he slowly pulled in. He thought it was strange how the air felt as he opened the door, still but yet charged with something unseen. He had tried to call twice more on the ride but all he managed to meet with was Reva's recorded voice, though inviting no substitute for the real thing. He thought back, as lightening lit the skies above him, of another night he had come to Cross Creek because he couldn't reach Reva. A storm threatened that evening too, only the Heaven's had already opened spilling liquid fear down upon him in torrents. No answer could mean something bad had happened, and he didn't like the tricks his thoughts were playing with him. That night he came to Cross Creek with Cassie…but she was not a love interest, just a concerned friend trying to help. He entered the house calling for her, and he'd found Richard standing too close to Reva. Jealousy consumed him; it coursed through every fiber of his being. Reva had loved Richard once, and he wanted him gone, he wanted to trust her, but it was too late. That moment erased all rational thought; the dye cast a battle yet again begun.
What if……
He shook free of the thought that tonight Reva might not be alone. Who could she be with…Billy…no, and anyway he posed no threat. Then again why bother to care? The only reason he was there was to make Cassie happy. That was his mission now…no need to trouble the mind with questions of a foolish heart. Reva meant nothing to him, just a fading memory, just a thought in his mind that when allowed to run free caused nothing but heartache and trouble. Best to let it rest. He continued on his way to the door.
Something startled Reva awake. She couldn't place what it was and sat for a moment to get her bearings. She realized the kettle was about to whistle and she rose to find her favorite mug. She opened the cupboard and reached up. A loud knock on the door followed immediately by the shrill whistle of the kettle caught Reva off guard. The mug came crashing to the counter. Turning around, her eyes met the intruder in her little escape.
"Joshua, what on earth…" Reva gasped, her eyes were huge. Her robe slipped open and she stood there for a moment staring.
"Sorry Reva," Josh said he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering to where her robe had opened, the soft skin revealed to him.
All at once she grabbed for the robe pulling it tightly around her. She felt vulnerable in front of him. What on earth was he doing here and why didn't I lock the door she wondered.
"How on earth did you get in here anyway, I swear I locked that door," Reva said fire in her eyes.
"These," Josh said with a grin he couldn't hide, keys dangling from his finger tips.
"Reva, you're bleeding," He made his way over to her.
Looking down at the mess before her, she realized she must have cut her hand on the mug. Blood was now seeping into the white of her robe, creating a permanent stain across her heart. Almost like Josh himself had done.
"Just great, exactly what I need now," Reva replied grabbing the robe ties and readjusting she looked at the wound, "me injured and you the doctor how much more perfect could this get?"
"Here Reva, just let me help, no strings…I promise. Sit down and I'll get the first aid kit, " Josh left to grab the kit. The window was open… it smelled like rain.
Reva looked down at the counter; tears filled her eyes as she ran them over the shattered pieces of her favorite mug - The one the kids had given her that Mother's Day. She remembered so well. She had slept way too late, and when she woke, the smell of coffee, bacon, and, eggs, the works, as they called it, was everywhere. Josh had come in with a silly chef hat on and the kids were grinning ear to ear as a loaded tray was placed before her. They all climbed into the big bed together, surrounded by Cross Creek like a fortress protecting their little world. The mug sat on the tray, nothing elaborate, but very proud. They had, as Josh put it, painstakingly chosen it on a shopping trip, and she deemed it her favorite mug always.
Now 'always' lay shattered on the kitchen counter.
"Here we go, now let's see how bad it is," Josh said breezing into the room kit in hand.
Taking a deep breath Reva turned, trying hard to dissolve her tears.
"Does it hurt that bad," Josh asked walking over to her, his voice softer, willing himself to feel nothing but friendly concern.
"No Josh… it's, it's silly, it's the stupid mug." Reva's voice was a whisper as tears betrayed her.
Looking down Josh knew at once what she was talking about. The mug from that Mother's Day, where everything seemed perfect and he felt nothing could ever, ever change that. The mug she'd love... always…
"Maybe we can glue it," he offered weakly, "after all I was in construction."
"No, just leave it be," Reva replied moving away from him to a spot where he didn't feel so close, "hand me a band aid please."
As she bandaged her hand Josh watched. She looked so small sitting there in her robe. How many times had she sat in that very chair, at this very table? How many plans had they made, how many tears and how much laughter had they shared? Memories almost seemed to swirl around them and he was consumed by them. She looked up with a face so serious, that just didn't become her; she was more one for an infectious grin leading to uncontrolled laughter.
"Ok" she asked," so to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit."
Thunder rumbled its threat in the distance.
"Hello to you too Reva," Josh replied, sarcasm laced his voice, "what a warm greeting ."
"Well why beat around the bush," she challenged, "we are beyond formalities…plus your entrance caused my situation."
She traced his jaw with her eyes; she loved how it set when he was trying his best to be angry. A Lewis jaw she thought, Shayne had one too especially when he was angry.
"Well I tried to call, but …no answer, to tell you I was coming over." He waited for her response cautious of what it might be.
"I turned the phones off, I'm trying to be alone, you should try it sometime." She said matter of fact then she added, "Why Josh, why come here? I know you and Cassie must have all of these plans to make for your big day," Reva made a fist with her hand and did a little 'mock' cheer, "what could you possibly be looking for here."
"We have unfinished business Reva", Josh replied. Then he added almost holding his breath, "Cassie thought it would be best to clear it all up before the wedding."
"She did, did she? How thoughtful of her," Reva responded trying her best not to fly out of the chair at him, "clear all what up?"
The thunder was getting louder, lightening lit up the sky, and smell of the rain was more promising now. Reva closed her eyes. She loved a good storm to clear the air now and again. She guessed she was about to get two for the price of one tonight.
"The night in the prison…she thinks we should talk about it." Josh knew this was a bad idea, as he said it he wished he could swallow the words. Instead they hung out there heavy as the threat of rain in the air.
"We did talk about that Josh…our special little moment," her voice was dripping with sarcasm, "the secret I was supposed to keep for you. Well I apologized. That's all I've got."
"Well she feels there is more, Reva." Josh replied, his voice caught a little.
"Well Josh truth be known I don't wanna hear anymore about what Cassie feels," then she added with a slow, sweet, grin, "I'm more interested in what you feel."
Like cymbals the thunder crashed startling Josh. Reva smiled.
"Reva don't." Josh interjected.
"Don't what Josh, don't make you feel uncomfortable? Don't make you question yourself? Don't pull your dirty little indulgence out into the light for everyone to see!?" Reva's eyes blazed, yet her tone remained even.
"Oh, what indulgence Reva? What imaginary accusations are you throwing at me now." Josh's voice was covered with anger.
"Me Josh…I'm your indulgence. The once love of your life again thrown to bars and back alleys…to prisons", She laughed, "for hushed encounters when the new love of choice fails to whet that appetite you have."
Josh just sat staring at her, swept into the storm of words falling from her lips.
"Me Josh…the only one who calms your fears. Who takes your hurt, your blame, and who you lay on top of, release your energy into, and then just kick aside ," voice trembling, "loving on your terms. The one who will never be good enough yet is the only one who is good enough…and that scares you."
Josh rose from his seat and walked into the other room trying to quite the raging river of emotions. Dam breaking, he clung to the edges waiting.
Reva followed, she wasn't going to let this go any further. As she walked past an open window, the breeze caught her hair and the skies erupted.
"You don't scare me Reva, you infuriate me," Josh countered, "You disgust and enrage me!"
The words rolled off Reva like rain rolling off the leaves outside. She was ripped in two, torn and burned as if Josh were the lightening flashing above Cross Creek. The thunder, however, was inside of her so she'd continue this because she knew, in this case at least, the lightening could do nothing but follow her thunder.
"I do though Josh, I do scare you," she said resting on the couch before them.
She had to brush past him to reach it, and in doing so had to fight the urge to put down her weapons and surrender.
"I scare you because you know you love me more than her…more than anyone. You love stronger than anyone I've known but you are like two sides of a coin, the jealousy and rage is what stops you." She was looking up at him.
Her eyes were swimming, blue like the ocean caught on waves of angry tears they shown up at him. He needed to run, to get away from her thunder, but he couldn't. He was stopped, consumed by Cross Creek. A flood of memories enveloping him, everywhere he looked there were pieces of the two of them, too much to bear…and in one swift movement he headed for the door.
Reva saw his intentions spill before her, but she wasn't finished and was at once behind him.
"Joshua, no…stop! Finish this," she shouted, "After all it was not me who came to you now was it!"
"Depends on how you look at it Reva," he spit back, "I can't stay here with you, I shouldn't have listened to Cassie!"
"Finally someone else takes the blame," she hurled, "the weight has been lifted. When will it ever be on your shoulders Josh."
She couldn't see past her fury of always being the blame, of Josh the Saint, who never does anything wrong, just sitting and watching her mistakes from his pedestal.
Josh flung the door open, instantly they were assaulted by the elements. There was, all at once, a burst of thunder so loud the house shook and Reva swore it was as if Cross Creek would fall to pieces around her. Rain whipped across his face and body in icy torrents. It stung his eyes and he took off blindly into the night. She raced after him. Barely able to find her way, she stumbled and caught his arm. The wind swirled around them and she couldn't breathe…his name stuck in her throat. They fell into a muddy puddle forming in the drive, he was on top of her…his full weight bearing down and she saw his face illuminated in the lightening. He looked like a mad man. She fought against him, her robe, coming undone, caught underneath her pinning her arm to the ground.
She gasped as she felt his arm close around her. Fighting, she finally caught enough air to scream.
"No Joshua, not like this," teeth gritted she heard the words but was unsure he did, she was pushing up against him with all her strength.
Josh felt her under him; he felt the curves of her body familiar, round, and soft. He knew without being able to see that her robe had slid away. He held her tight underneath him, hating her, wanting to hurt her as badly as he felt she had hurt him. He increased the pressure on her and felt her struggle beneath him.
She was wrestling with her fear as she tried to free her arm. Her lungs felt like they would burst, she tried to slap at him with her free hand, she could feel him pressing tighter against her.
Josh reached behind Reva and grabbed her hair in his hand pulling her head back he placed his face over hers. Lightening lit her face and he saw the fear and fire in her eyes, water stung them and dripped off of him into the puddle beneath them. He didn't know why, but at that moment he leaned in and kissed her hard, swallowing her words as they left her lips. He then released her, sitting to the side, head in hands. His body shook.
She rolled onto her stomach, gasping, water and mud covering her. She tried to pull the robe around her, it was heavy with water. She lay there. She was unsure at first if he were still there. She slowly turned to rise and caught a glimpse of him shaking beside her. Reaching out her hands she found him, and taking his hand in hers, clutching her robe they made their way back to Cross Creek.
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Their clothes inside of the dryer, Reva joined Josh in the living room, the shattered picture of the three of them, Reva, Josh, and Cassie, had been neatly placed on the table under the lamp. A warm fire was burning, its glow revealing the darkened room. Josh sat still. His old, worn robe wrapped around him…the one he never remembered to take when he left. He looked up at her when she entered; she looked tired and spent, but beautiful.
"Reva, I never would of…hurt you.." his voice trailed off, "I don't know why I acted like that."
"Oh I know you wouldn't," Reva replied not letting on that she had been scared by his anger, each feeling the other out.
"Josh…" she offered.
"No, I'm…I'm so sorry," he said just letting the words spill across them, "what is wrong with us."
"Well," she said with a slight smile in her voice, "How long you got Bud?"
She sat beside him, not touching him…just two planets circling the same sun, the questions hanging heavily in the air.
"Josh, do you remember when mama died, and I stayed here,?" Reva asked softly, "I was sleeping right here…well trying to at least, and you came out and took my hand?"
"Do you remember you told me you weren't OK and that you were thinking about mama and what she told you?" Reva was looking down at her hands folded in her lap.
"Yes, Reva. Yes I do," he answered, "She told me, right before she died that it was OK for me to love you the way I do."
Reva looked into Josh's eyes, surrounding him with her presence.
"You know what Josh, I think it still might be OK." Then she said, "You know what else? Last Mother's Day, mama came to me, like a dream, and she told me to tell you about the cancer, or else I'd lose you."
Her voice broke a little at the thought of mama so close.
"I do wish I was better at taking advice." She looked away.
The silence was at once broken by Reva's next thought.
"You want to be a minister now to help people. Tell me then Josh…would God forgive a woman who doesn't tell her husband about her cancer to spare his life and dreams? Would God forgive a woman who tells the man she wants most in life he isn't enough because she is hurting so badly she needs to release? Would God forgive the couple who never seem to get it right, damn though they try? Would God forgive a sister at odds with a sister, or a little girl with bright blue eyes and blond pigtails who loved a boy she'd only just seen because something's, you just know , without knowing why... you just know they are real?" Reva was standing now, shaking with each word.
Josh felt her pain coursing through the room, through his very soul.
"My God Reva what has happened to you?" Josh asked grabbing onto her arms and holding her to him.
Reva pushed him away; she wasn't looking for pity that would fade like the dew under morning's bright sunshine.
"No Josh, don't", Reva began, "don't pull me to you, draw me in just to disappear again, I don't want that kind of love."
"It's pity Josh, the kind of love that you regret. I don't want to regret you, I don't want heat of the moment passion, and I don't want unresolved business love." Reva stood away from him, she shook despite the fire.
Josh looked at her; he could still taste her kiss on his lips, the salt of her tears driving into old wounds. He had been about to marry Cassie when Reva interrupted. She was always there - no escape. Things seemed so off center again. Why could nothing be simple with Reva?
"Reva, it isn't like that. But I do love Cassie…she is different then you," Josh heard the words and suddenly didn't care for them. Once spoken though, there was no taking them back.
"I can't Josh; I can't do this anymore, not here in this house so full of us. I can't hear those words." Reva was crying silent streams of tears as she spoke.
"Look…listen. I love you with all my heart. I take back my decisions. I want our always back - but not like this. Not by you being sent here by her," Reva spat the word 'her' out, "I wanted you on your own free will, or not at all."
"However I'm sure you'd say beggars can't be choosers, huh? " it was smug and cutting but she couldn't take the sight of him so close to her.
The words slapped hard. She wasn't trying to seduce him; she wasn't trying to play games. She was cut to the bone. A wound so deep time wouldn't be able to heal it. He had been so mean for so long, she had grown into someone else while trying to escape a love that had once been hers.
She sat down, letting the tears flow freely. She was exposed, and she knew it. She couldn't help it… he was so close and they were so much a part of each other, yet he had changed. He was beyond her reach now.
He knelt down, reached his hand out but stopped, afraid to touch her. He listened to her, he had finally listened to her. She was so close; he could almost feel her heart beating. She looked up through her mask of tears and stared into his eyes. She wanted to grab him, to scream out like a wind blowing across the landscape of his heart, exposing Cassie for what she was…for what he couldn't yet see.
Instead as he reached for her, she let him have her. She reached up, and caressed his cheek. He tilted his head toward her hand and closed his eyes. He leaned in and his lips met hers. The storm raged outside as he slid her off of the couch to the floor beside the fire. She welcomed him so close. He was whispering in her ear as he pushed himself closer into her, pulling her under just one more time.
She opened her eyes, the room danced in the firelight. Everything looked so soft and warm. She could no longer hear the wind or the rain. She had become them. She heard Josh breathing above her. Then her eyes met the mantel, Josh and Reva Forever…Always. Suddenly her mind flashed to the day they carved it so sure of their life together. Of adding the 'Always', with her hand trembling as he helped her while cancer silently drew the battle lines. She thought of the other day tracing it with her finger, in sorrow again, like so many times before. …As she flung the picture shattering a once happy family of two sisters and a brother-in-law... a husband. She knew what she must do.
"Josh…no. Wait," her breathing shallow, still caught in the moment.
Searching for clarity and distance, she slid out from under and away from Josh. Pulling a quilt around her she looked at him. He looked confused. Running his hand over his hair, he propped up on one arm looking at her, tracing her body with his eyes. He had been whispering how much he wanted her, needed her, loved her, yet she couldn't help but wonder who he would love in tomorrow's light…not just tonight's stormy darkness.
"What Reva? What is it? What's wrong?" Josh asked tracing patterns on her arm.
"Too many things to mention," Reva sighed, she noticed the storm passing with the rain and wind only a whisper now, the thunder a distant echo, and the lightening working itself into the night.
"See that Josh," she said pointing to the spot on the mantel.
"Sure I do darlin," Josh said looking towards it, "what about it."
"That's us Josh. This place. Cross Creek is us, this storm tonight, this darkness that surrounds us like a warm soft blanket is us. But what else is us, "she asked, "what about tomorrow Josh? In the light? Back in town…is that us too?"
Silence filled the space between them. He knew he had to...to stop.
"I don't know Reva. Sometimes I wish it would be…but Cassie - she's waiting for an answer." Josh dropped his gaze.
"Well so am I Bud, I cannot do this again without one. I won't make love to you only in the darkness and secrets because it is too hard to live with come the morning." She said. And he knew she meant it.
"I won't be treated like that. I love you…but not like this Joshua." tears threatened the words.
He rolled onto his back and sighed, he reached up and she allowed herself to be pulled next to him. They lay there as she listened to his heartbeat and the rain gently falling outside. Her own brand of rain once again falling from her eyes, wetting his skin. He held her tighter searching for his place in her world.
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Bright sunlight danced across Reva's face, coaxing her eyes open. She glanced down and saw Josh's arm… right arm and leg, thrown across her body. What to do now she wondered, she hadn't expected the intrusion, nor the confrontation that followed last night. She slowly slid out from under him and walked to the kitchen. The mug still sat in a broken mess on the counter. She brushed the pieces into a baggie, and hid them in the back of the cupboard unable to part with them just in case. She put on some coffee, poured a cup and walked out onto the porch. She watched the sun begin its job of drying out nature. She took a deep breath.
The screen door creaked, and Josh stepped outside.
"Morning," he said his face was drawn and serious.
"Yes it is," Reva replied. Looking at him, she asked "plans today?"
"Kind of," Josh replied, "I've gotta go."
"Sure… can I help you get your things?" Reva offered, praying her voice wouldn't catch and wondering if she should have given in to one more night.
Josh stood there lost in a thought of Reva. Last night after she had fallen asleep, he watched her…soft breathing, peaceful face, naked skin - exposed to him in a way he knew would bother her given the circumstances at hand. She was so familiar, so much what he had to admit deep down he wanted. Even come morning light, here on the porch, hair and face still sleepy, she drew his attention like no one else.
They went in, dressed, and collected the rest of his things.
"Well," Reva said "don't be a stranger… you know where to find me and you always will."
She leaned in and gave him the softest kiss - like butterfly wings on his cheek. It gave rise to his skin and he smiled to himself, she used to do that when they were kids.
"There's something I have to do today," he said looking into her eyes, "but I'll be by later."
"I'll have to remember to turn the phone on," she said smiling.
He leaned in, and embraced her. Here, surrounded by Cross Creek he felt so…right.
She watched him climb into the car and drive away until she could barely see him anymore. Then she went inside and sat down, no longer worried he would see, she allowed the tears to fall freely. Holding a pillow in her arms alone, she sobbed.
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Josh pulled up to the farmhouse. Cassie heard the car, it startled her, and she rose from the couch. She must look a mess she thought… in the same outfit as last night. Stopping by the mirror, she ran her fingers through her hair.
Josh opened the car door, leaving his belongs behind. He walked up the steps and knocked gently on the door. Cassie opened it and met his eyes.
"Cassie," Josh said, "Cassie I… I can't get married right now..."
Cassie collapsed to the floor; Josh lifted her and helped her inside.
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A few hours later he was on his way to the Beacon.
"Will my room be ready? " Josh asked.
The woman at the front desk replied "Yes, Mr. Lewis. Exactly as you requested, enjoy your stay."
"Thank you." Josh closed his cell phone.
He smiled to himself as he parked the car preparing to unload his belongings.
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Meanwhile, Reva had managed to pull herself together somehow and decided a walk would do her good. She reached for the door knob, pulled it open, and was met with a visitor instead…A messenger with a beautiful arrangement of spring blooms was before her.
"Mrs. Reva Lewis?" the man inquired, smiling.
"Actually it is Shayne ", she corrected under her breath, "but yes I'll take them."
She put the flowers on the table and searched for the card. She found it…and as she pulled it out her fingers went to her lips. It simply read.
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Back at the Beacon, Josh, with suitcase in hand, turned the corner to his room and saw Billy standing there.
"Well little brother," Billy asked grinning ear to ear, "how'd it all go?"
"I think you were right Billy. A night at Cross Creek was exactly what I needed, though it didn't turn out quite the way I'd imagined." Josh said.
"Plenty of time for all that later, "Billy said patting Josh on the back he added, "Hey…did ya send the flowers."
"Yes, she called said they were beautiful", Josh said smiling, "Hey Billy…how do you remember the exact ones she likes every time?"
Billy just shook his head. Grinning and singing a little tune he made his way down the hallway. Josh just shrugged and entered his room. Billy turned around…a slow sad smile on his face looking back to where his brother had been standing and thought to himself, because I love her ALWAYS too.
(To Be Continued...)
Written by: Tania Roberts
After The Storm...
Josh snapped his cell phone shut, and stared at the closed screen door. The cool spring air swirled around him suddenly and a flash of dry lightening threatened the night. He wished that Reva had picked up instead of her voice mail; he was never comfortable leaving messages. He saw the outline of Cassie almost melting against the door. He knew she would probably sink into the darkness that constantly seemed to consume her. Now was not the time to deal with her and her demons, not when he had so many of his own. So he turned and walked away; off the solid wood porch and down the steps. Cassie heard the muffled echo of his shoes. He left…and tears escaped her as a vision of Tammy appeared before her.
Reva was in the shower at Cross Creek. She had turned off her cell and taken the phone off the hook wanting nothing more than the silence an evening alone would afford. The water was almost like fire coursing down her body, the body that like the soul was begging to be released from her tortured thoughts. The bathroom was steamy and smelled of Jasmine and Lilacs - a little something Marah had sent in a care package that had been neatly set by the door when she arrived home. Lifting her head to the pulsing water she opened her mouth, the tears came freely, the sound silenced by the waters warmth. She closed her eyes and collapsed against the shower wall. She was overwhelmed by the thought of another time - this shower, this place…so far away though. Mama had just passed away, and she and Josh were once again lost in that dizzying dance of do we, or don't we try. She had felt the water hot on her skin that morning; she had felt herself willing it to wash him away. Then she heard his voice, asking about breakfast and she could feel him all around her. She knew his hand was resting on the shower curtain. She wanted to hide, to pull herself away, and yet all at once she wanted him to pull back that curtain and kiss away the confusion.
Josh turned onto the familiar road to Cross Creek and its new location; every bump and turn sending him deeper inside of himself . First he had been angry, talking to the night, cursing Reva and all of the memories and thoughts that he wanted to bundle up and discard. However as he slowly made his way to her the anger broke free and floated off of him to rest in the night sky. Somewhere far from his reach, replaced by all of the what-ifs that only a man who has loved a woman like he had her could possess. Dreams of another time slowly began to surface, painting a picture of memories across the canvas of his mind. He recreated her laugh, her smile, her scent till he was surrounded by her. It was wrong, wasn't it, to long so badly for an idea you resist daily.
Reva slowly turned off the faucet and wrapped herself in a soft oversize bath towel. She brought her gaze level with the mirror before her watching the teary eyes that were her own look back. She knew Cassie had him…how wasn't worth wondering. And she knew that she needed to leave the scene of the accident now, float free and make her own way. But how - How to forget, or push past a man that commanded her attention? Every piece of who they were today was built by their shared past. Like two trees, roots tangled, each trying to reach the sun by its own power; so consumed by the task they refuse to acknowledge the attachment to the other. Wrapped in her robe, Reva went out of the bedroom and made her way to the kitchen. She wanted to put on some water for tea. With the kettle heating she sat down and sighed. Leaning back she let her head fall onto the soft back of the couch and let her eyes close. Sleep…that's what she needed she thought - sweet inviting sleep. Sweet dreamless sleep.
Josh's car made it to the drive and he slowly pulled in. He thought it was strange how the air felt as he opened the door, still but yet charged with something unseen. He had tried to call twice more on the ride but all he managed to meet with was Reva's recorded voice, though inviting no substitute for the real thing. He thought back, as lightening lit the skies above him, of another night he had come to Cross Creek because he couldn't reach Reva. A storm threatened that evening too, only the Heaven's had already opened spilling liquid fear down upon him in torrents. No answer could mean something bad had happened, and he didn't like the tricks his thoughts were playing with him. That night he came to Cross Creek with Cassie…but she was not a love interest, just a concerned friend trying to help. He entered the house calling for her, and he'd found Richard standing too close to Reva. Jealousy consumed him; it coursed through every fiber of his being. Reva had loved Richard once, and he wanted him gone, he wanted to trust her, but it was too late. That moment erased all rational thought; the dye cast a battle yet again begun.
What if……
He shook free of the thought that tonight Reva might not be alone. Who could she be with…Billy…no, and anyway he posed no threat. Then again why bother to care? The only reason he was there was to make Cassie happy. That was his mission now…no need to trouble the mind with questions of a foolish heart. Reva meant nothing to him, just a fading memory, just a thought in his mind that when allowed to run free caused nothing but heartache and trouble. Best to let it rest. He continued on his way to the door.
Something startled Reva awake. She couldn't place what it was and sat for a moment to get her bearings. She realized the kettle was about to whistle and she rose to find her favorite mug. She opened the cupboard and reached up. A loud knock on the door followed immediately by the shrill whistle of the kettle caught Reva off guard. The mug came crashing to the counter. Turning around, her eyes met the intruder in her little escape.
"Joshua, what on earth…" Reva gasped, her eyes were huge. Her robe slipped open and she stood there for a moment staring.
"Sorry Reva," Josh said he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering to where her robe had opened, the soft skin revealed to him.
All at once she grabbed for the robe pulling it tightly around her. She felt vulnerable in front of him. What on earth was he doing here and why didn't I lock the door she wondered.
"How on earth did you get in here anyway, I swear I locked that door," Reva said fire in her eyes.
"These," Josh said with a grin he couldn't hide, keys dangling from his finger tips.
"Reva, you're bleeding," He made his way over to her.
Looking down at the mess before her, she realized she must have cut her hand on the mug. Blood was now seeping into the white of her robe, creating a permanent stain across her heart. Almost like Josh himself had done.
"Just great, exactly what I need now," Reva replied grabbing the robe ties and readjusting she looked at the wound, "me injured and you the doctor how much more perfect could this get?"
"Here Reva, just let me help, no strings…I promise. Sit down and I'll get the first aid kit, " Josh left to grab the kit. The window was open… it smelled like rain.
Reva looked down at the counter; tears filled her eyes as she ran them over the shattered pieces of her favorite mug - The one the kids had given her that Mother's Day. She remembered so well. She had slept way too late, and when she woke, the smell of coffee, bacon, and, eggs, the works, as they called it, was everywhere. Josh had come in with a silly chef hat on and the kids were grinning ear to ear as a loaded tray was placed before her. They all climbed into the big bed together, surrounded by Cross Creek like a fortress protecting their little world. The mug sat on the tray, nothing elaborate, but very proud. They had, as Josh put it, painstakingly chosen it on a shopping trip, and she deemed it her favorite mug always.
Now 'always' lay shattered on the kitchen counter.
"Here we go, now let's see how bad it is," Josh said breezing into the room kit in hand.
Taking a deep breath Reva turned, trying hard to dissolve her tears.
"Does it hurt that bad," Josh asked walking over to her, his voice softer, willing himself to feel nothing but friendly concern.
"No Josh… it's, it's silly, it's the stupid mug." Reva's voice was a whisper as tears betrayed her.
Looking down Josh knew at once what she was talking about. The mug from that Mother's Day, where everything seemed perfect and he felt nothing could ever, ever change that. The mug she'd love... always…
"Maybe we can glue it," he offered weakly, "after all I was in construction."
"No, just leave it be," Reva replied moving away from him to a spot where he didn't feel so close, "hand me a band aid please."
As she bandaged her hand Josh watched. She looked so small sitting there in her robe. How many times had she sat in that very chair, at this very table? How many plans had they made, how many tears and how much laughter had they shared? Memories almost seemed to swirl around them and he was consumed by them. She looked up with a face so serious, that just didn't become her; she was more one for an infectious grin leading to uncontrolled laughter.
"Ok" she asked," so to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit."
Thunder rumbled its threat in the distance.
"Hello to you too Reva," Josh replied, sarcasm laced his voice, "what a warm greeting ."
"Well why beat around the bush," she challenged, "we are beyond formalities…plus your entrance caused my situation."
She traced his jaw with her eyes; she loved how it set when he was trying his best to be angry. A Lewis jaw she thought, Shayne had one too especially when he was angry.
"Well I tried to call, but …no answer, to tell you I was coming over." He waited for her response cautious of what it might be.
"I turned the phones off, I'm trying to be alone, you should try it sometime." She said matter of fact then she added, "Why Josh, why come here? I know you and Cassie must have all of these plans to make for your big day," Reva made a fist with her hand and did a little 'mock' cheer, "what could you possibly be looking for here."
"We have unfinished business Reva", Josh replied. Then he added almost holding his breath, "Cassie thought it would be best to clear it all up before the wedding."
"She did, did she? How thoughtful of her," Reva responded trying her best not to fly out of the chair at him, "clear all what up?"
The thunder was getting louder, lightening lit up the sky, and smell of the rain was more promising now. Reva closed her eyes. She loved a good storm to clear the air now and again. She guessed she was about to get two for the price of one tonight.
"The night in the prison…she thinks we should talk about it." Josh knew this was a bad idea, as he said it he wished he could swallow the words. Instead they hung out there heavy as the threat of rain in the air.
"We did talk about that Josh…our special little moment," her voice was dripping with sarcasm, "the secret I was supposed to keep for you. Well I apologized. That's all I've got."
"Well she feels there is more, Reva." Josh replied, his voice caught a little.
"Well Josh truth be known I don't wanna hear anymore about what Cassie feels," then she added with a slow, sweet, grin, "I'm more interested in what you feel."
Like cymbals the thunder crashed startling Josh. Reva smiled.
"Reva don't." Josh interjected.
"Don't what Josh, don't make you feel uncomfortable? Don't make you question yourself? Don't pull your dirty little indulgence out into the light for everyone to see!?" Reva's eyes blazed, yet her tone remained even.
"Oh, what indulgence Reva? What imaginary accusations are you throwing at me now." Josh's voice was covered with anger.
"Me Josh…I'm your indulgence. The once love of your life again thrown to bars and back alleys…to prisons", She laughed, "for hushed encounters when the new love of choice fails to whet that appetite you have."
Josh just sat staring at her, swept into the storm of words falling from her lips.
"Me Josh…the only one who calms your fears. Who takes your hurt, your blame, and who you lay on top of, release your energy into, and then just kick aside ," voice trembling, "loving on your terms. The one who will never be good enough yet is the only one who is good enough…and that scares you."
Josh rose from his seat and walked into the other room trying to quite the raging river of emotions. Dam breaking, he clung to the edges waiting.
Reva followed, she wasn't going to let this go any further. As she walked past an open window, the breeze caught her hair and the skies erupted.
"You don't scare me Reva, you infuriate me," Josh countered, "You disgust and enrage me!"
The words rolled off Reva like rain rolling off the leaves outside. She was ripped in two, torn and burned as if Josh were the lightening flashing above Cross Creek. The thunder, however, was inside of her so she'd continue this because she knew, in this case at least, the lightening could do nothing but follow her thunder.
"I do though Josh, I do scare you," she said resting on the couch before them.
She had to brush past him to reach it, and in doing so had to fight the urge to put down her weapons and surrender.
"I scare you because you know you love me more than her…more than anyone. You love stronger than anyone I've known but you are like two sides of a coin, the jealousy and rage is what stops you." She was looking up at him.
Her eyes were swimming, blue like the ocean caught on waves of angry tears they shown up at him. He needed to run, to get away from her thunder, but he couldn't. He was stopped, consumed by Cross Creek. A flood of memories enveloping him, everywhere he looked there were pieces of the two of them, too much to bear…and in one swift movement he headed for the door.
Reva saw his intentions spill before her, but she wasn't finished and was at once behind him.
"Joshua, no…stop! Finish this," she shouted, "After all it was not me who came to you now was it!"
"Depends on how you look at it Reva," he spit back, "I can't stay here with you, I shouldn't have listened to Cassie!"
"Finally someone else takes the blame," she hurled, "the weight has been lifted. When will it ever be on your shoulders Josh."
She couldn't see past her fury of always being the blame, of Josh the Saint, who never does anything wrong, just sitting and watching her mistakes from his pedestal.
Josh flung the door open, instantly they were assaulted by the elements. There was, all at once, a burst of thunder so loud the house shook and Reva swore it was as if Cross Creek would fall to pieces around her. Rain whipped across his face and body in icy torrents. It stung his eyes and he took off blindly into the night. She raced after him. Barely able to find her way, she stumbled and caught his arm. The wind swirled around them and she couldn't breathe…his name stuck in her throat. They fell into a muddy puddle forming in the drive, he was on top of her…his full weight bearing down and she saw his face illuminated in the lightening. He looked like a mad man. She fought against him, her robe, coming undone, caught underneath her pinning her arm to the ground.
She gasped as she felt his arm close around her. Fighting, she finally caught enough air to scream.
"No Joshua, not like this," teeth gritted she heard the words but was unsure he did, she was pushing up against him with all her strength.
Josh felt her under him; he felt the curves of her body familiar, round, and soft. He knew without being able to see that her robe had slid away. He held her tight underneath him, hating her, wanting to hurt her as badly as he felt she had hurt him. He increased the pressure on her and felt her struggle beneath him.
She was wrestling with her fear as she tried to free her arm. Her lungs felt like they would burst, she tried to slap at him with her free hand, she could feel him pressing tighter against her.
Josh reached behind Reva and grabbed her hair in his hand pulling her head back he placed his face over hers. Lightening lit her face and he saw the fear and fire in her eyes, water stung them and dripped off of him into the puddle beneath them. He didn't know why, but at that moment he leaned in and kissed her hard, swallowing her words as they left her lips. He then released her, sitting to the side, head in hands. His body shook.
She rolled onto her stomach, gasping, water and mud covering her. She tried to pull the robe around her, it was heavy with water. She lay there. She was unsure at first if he were still there. She slowly turned to rise and caught a glimpse of him shaking beside her. Reaching out her hands she found him, and taking his hand in hers, clutching her robe they made their way back to Cross Creek.
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Their clothes inside of the dryer, Reva joined Josh in the living room, the shattered picture of the three of them, Reva, Josh, and Cassie, had been neatly placed on the table under the lamp. A warm fire was burning, its glow revealing the darkened room. Josh sat still. His old, worn robe wrapped around him…the one he never remembered to take when he left. He looked up at her when she entered; she looked tired and spent, but beautiful.
"Reva, I never would of…hurt you.." his voice trailed off, "I don't know why I acted like that."
"Oh I know you wouldn't," Reva replied not letting on that she had been scared by his anger, each feeling the other out.
"Josh…" she offered.
"No, I'm…I'm so sorry," he said just letting the words spill across them, "what is wrong with us."
"Well," she said with a slight smile in her voice, "How long you got Bud?"
She sat beside him, not touching him…just two planets circling the same sun, the questions hanging heavily in the air.
"Josh, do you remember when mama died, and I stayed here,?" Reva asked softly, "I was sleeping right here…well trying to at least, and you came out and took my hand?"
"Do you remember you told me you weren't OK and that you were thinking about mama and what she told you?" Reva was looking down at her hands folded in her lap.
"Yes, Reva. Yes I do," he answered, "She told me, right before she died that it was OK for me to love you the way I do."
Reva looked into Josh's eyes, surrounding him with her presence.
"You know what Josh, I think it still might be OK." Then she said, "You know what else? Last Mother's Day, mama came to me, like a dream, and she told me to tell you about the cancer, or else I'd lose you."
Her voice broke a little at the thought of mama so close.
"I do wish I was better at taking advice." She looked away.
The silence was at once broken by Reva's next thought.
"You want to be a minister now to help people. Tell me then Josh…would God forgive a woman who doesn't tell her husband about her cancer to spare his life and dreams? Would God forgive a woman who tells the man she wants most in life he isn't enough because she is hurting so badly she needs to release? Would God forgive the couple who never seem to get it right, damn though they try? Would God forgive a sister at odds with a sister, or a little girl with bright blue eyes and blond pigtails who loved a boy she'd only just seen because something's, you just know , without knowing why... you just know they are real?" Reva was standing now, shaking with each word.
Josh felt her pain coursing through the room, through his very soul.
"My God Reva what has happened to you?" Josh asked grabbing onto her arms and holding her to him.
Reva pushed him away; she wasn't looking for pity that would fade like the dew under morning's bright sunshine.
"No Josh, don't", Reva began, "don't pull me to you, draw me in just to disappear again, I don't want that kind of love."
"It's pity Josh, the kind of love that you regret. I don't want to regret you, I don't want heat of the moment passion, and I don't want unresolved business love." Reva stood away from him, she shook despite the fire.
Josh looked at her; he could still taste her kiss on his lips, the salt of her tears driving into old wounds. He had been about to marry Cassie when Reva interrupted. She was always there - no escape. Things seemed so off center again. Why could nothing be simple with Reva?
"Reva, it isn't like that. But I do love Cassie…she is different then you," Josh heard the words and suddenly didn't care for them. Once spoken though, there was no taking them back.
"I can't Josh; I can't do this anymore, not here in this house so full of us. I can't hear those words." Reva was crying silent streams of tears as she spoke.
"Look…listen. I love you with all my heart. I take back my decisions. I want our always back - but not like this. Not by you being sent here by her," Reva spat the word 'her' out, "I wanted you on your own free will, or not at all."
"However I'm sure you'd say beggars can't be choosers, huh? " it was smug and cutting but she couldn't take the sight of him so close to her.
The words slapped hard. She wasn't trying to seduce him; she wasn't trying to play games. She was cut to the bone. A wound so deep time wouldn't be able to heal it. He had been so mean for so long, she had grown into someone else while trying to escape a love that had once been hers.
She sat down, letting the tears flow freely. She was exposed, and she knew it. She couldn't help it… he was so close and they were so much a part of each other, yet he had changed. He was beyond her reach now.
He knelt down, reached his hand out but stopped, afraid to touch her. He listened to her, he had finally listened to her. She was so close; he could almost feel her heart beating. She looked up through her mask of tears and stared into his eyes. She wanted to grab him, to scream out like a wind blowing across the landscape of his heart, exposing Cassie for what she was…for what he couldn't yet see.
Instead as he reached for her, she let him have her. She reached up, and caressed his cheek. He tilted his head toward her hand and closed his eyes. He leaned in and his lips met hers. The storm raged outside as he slid her off of the couch to the floor beside the fire. She welcomed him so close. He was whispering in her ear as he pushed himself closer into her, pulling her under just one more time.
She opened her eyes, the room danced in the firelight. Everything looked so soft and warm. She could no longer hear the wind or the rain. She had become them. She heard Josh breathing above her. Then her eyes met the mantel, Josh and Reva Forever…Always. Suddenly her mind flashed to the day they carved it so sure of their life together. Of adding the 'Always', with her hand trembling as he helped her while cancer silently drew the battle lines. She thought of the other day tracing it with her finger, in sorrow again, like so many times before. …As she flung the picture shattering a once happy family of two sisters and a brother-in-law... a husband. She knew what she must do.
"Josh…no. Wait," her breathing shallow, still caught in the moment.
Searching for clarity and distance, she slid out from under and away from Josh. Pulling a quilt around her she looked at him. He looked confused. Running his hand over his hair, he propped up on one arm looking at her, tracing her body with his eyes. He had been whispering how much he wanted her, needed her, loved her, yet she couldn't help but wonder who he would love in tomorrow's light…not just tonight's stormy darkness.
"What Reva? What is it? What's wrong?" Josh asked tracing patterns on her arm.
"Too many things to mention," Reva sighed, she noticed the storm passing with the rain and wind only a whisper now, the thunder a distant echo, and the lightening working itself into the night.
"See that Josh," she said pointing to the spot on the mantel.
"Sure I do darlin," Josh said looking towards it, "what about it."
"That's us Josh. This place. Cross Creek is us, this storm tonight, this darkness that surrounds us like a warm soft blanket is us. But what else is us, "she asked, "what about tomorrow Josh? In the light? Back in town…is that us too?"
Silence filled the space between them. He knew he had to...to stop.
"I don't know Reva. Sometimes I wish it would be…but Cassie - she's waiting for an answer." Josh dropped his gaze.
"Well so am I Bud, I cannot do this again without one. I won't make love to you only in the darkness and secrets because it is too hard to live with come the morning." She said. And he knew she meant it.
"I won't be treated like that. I love you…but not like this Joshua." tears threatened the words.
He rolled onto his back and sighed, he reached up and she allowed herself to be pulled next to him. They lay there as she listened to his heartbeat and the rain gently falling outside. Her own brand of rain once again falling from her eyes, wetting his skin. He held her tighter searching for his place in her world.
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Bright sunlight danced across Reva's face, coaxing her eyes open. She glanced down and saw Josh's arm… right arm and leg, thrown across her body. What to do now she wondered, she hadn't expected the intrusion, nor the confrontation that followed last night. She slowly slid out from under him and walked to the kitchen. The mug still sat in a broken mess on the counter. She brushed the pieces into a baggie, and hid them in the back of the cupboard unable to part with them just in case. She put on some coffee, poured a cup and walked out onto the porch. She watched the sun begin its job of drying out nature. She took a deep breath.
The screen door creaked, and Josh stepped outside.
"Morning," he said his face was drawn and serious.
"Yes it is," Reva replied. Looking at him, she asked "plans today?"
"Kind of," Josh replied, "I've gotta go."
"Sure… can I help you get your things?" Reva offered, praying her voice wouldn't catch and wondering if she should have given in to one more night.
Josh stood there lost in a thought of Reva. Last night after she had fallen asleep, he watched her…soft breathing, peaceful face, naked skin - exposed to him in a way he knew would bother her given the circumstances at hand. She was so familiar, so much what he had to admit deep down he wanted. Even come morning light, here on the porch, hair and face still sleepy, she drew his attention like no one else.
They went in, dressed, and collected the rest of his things.
"Well," Reva said "don't be a stranger… you know where to find me and you always will."
She leaned in and gave him the softest kiss - like butterfly wings on his cheek. It gave rise to his skin and he smiled to himself, she used to do that when they were kids.
"There's something I have to do today," he said looking into her eyes, "but I'll be by later."
"I'll have to remember to turn the phone on," she said smiling.
He leaned in, and embraced her. Here, surrounded by Cross Creek he felt so…right.
She watched him climb into the car and drive away until she could barely see him anymore. Then she went inside and sat down, no longer worried he would see, she allowed the tears to fall freely. Holding a pillow in her arms alone, she sobbed.
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Josh pulled up to the farmhouse. Cassie heard the car, it startled her, and she rose from the couch. She must look a mess she thought… in the same outfit as last night. Stopping by the mirror, she ran her fingers through her hair.
Josh opened the car door, leaving his belongs behind. He walked up the steps and knocked gently on the door. Cassie opened it and met his eyes.
"Cassie," Josh said, "Cassie I… I can't get married right now..."
Cassie collapsed to the floor; Josh lifted her and helped her inside.
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A few hours later he was on his way to the Beacon.
"Will my room be ready? " Josh asked.
The woman at the front desk replied "Yes, Mr. Lewis. Exactly as you requested, enjoy your stay."
"Thank you." Josh closed his cell phone.
He smiled to himself as he parked the car preparing to unload his belongings.
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Meanwhile, Reva had managed to pull herself together somehow and decided a walk would do her good. She reached for the door knob, pulled it open, and was met with a visitor instead…A messenger with a beautiful arrangement of spring blooms was before her.
"Mrs. Reva Lewis?" the man inquired, smiling.
"Actually it is Shayne ", she corrected under her breath, "but yes I'll take them."
She put the flowers on the table and searched for the card. She found it…and as she pulled it out her fingers went to her lips. It simply read.
Quote:
Reva,
I'll be at the Beacon until you feel our business is finished, and then I'll be home to Cross Creek.
Love ALWAYS, Joshua
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Back at the Beacon, Josh, with suitcase in hand, turned the corner to his room and saw Billy standing there.
"Well little brother," Billy asked grinning ear to ear, "how'd it all go?"
"I think you were right Billy. A night at Cross Creek was exactly what I needed, though it didn't turn out quite the way I'd imagined." Josh said.
"Plenty of time for all that later, "Billy said patting Josh on the back he added, "Hey…did ya send the flowers."
"Yes, she called said they were beautiful", Josh said smiling, "Hey Billy…how do you remember the exact ones she likes every time?"
Billy just shook his head. Grinning and singing a little tune he made his way down the hallway. Josh just shrugged and entered his room. Billy turned around…a slow sad smile on his face looking back to where his brother had been standing and thought to himself, because I love her ALWAYS too.
(To Be Continued...)
Written by: Tania Roberts
