I originally wrote Not As Permanent in January 2007... posted January 15 2007 on the OKZFC and the ORNFC
Boards. It is a pleasure to share it on the GLC Board!! The sl follows Reva's release from Cedars after her survival of breast cancer, (October/Nov. of
2006 air dates).
Not As Permanent
When Reva arrived, the door to Cassie's room was open. Though Josh's back was to it he could suddenly feel her everywhere. He lowered his hand the papers he was holding, still in his now tighter grasp, fell slowly level with his thigh. He turned, and there, like a force of nature, stood Reva before him. She looked beautiful, but more than that she looked well. So different from the broken body he'd held next to him in Cedars. He didn't want to meet her gaze because he knew that if he did she would be able to reach inside of him and steal the feelings he was so desperately trying to hide. He knew she was capable of that he had felt her do it so many times before.
Reva stood there, silent, drinking in the moment. A soft smile the only clue to what she was thinking. She traced the lines of his face with her eyes, his usually softer jaw now set in stone cold defiance. His lips were a solid line displaying neither happiness nor sadness, just indifference to a situation he felt they could avoid. Then, just as she knew would happen, she settled her gaze upon his eyes, and the answer to her question was revealed.
Josh knew that she knew, and try as he might he could not stop himself from meeting and holding her gaze. He could never seem to shelve his love for her, no matter how many other feelings welled up behind it. He was mad, not ready to break down this wall, but the sight of her, well, and alive brought a joy he knew he'd never feel for anyone else. He dropped his gaze, hoping to convince her he felt nothing, yet knowing he had been discovered.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, then, not waiting for the reply he followed with an invitation."Would you like to come in?"
She was through the door and into a chair set neatly in the corner of the bedroom before he could finish his question.
"You are looking well." Josh commented as he pretended to busy himself with the papers in his hand.
He moved to the desk acting as if her presence didn't set his every nerve on fire.
"I'm feeling as well as can be expected given the circumstances of the other day." Reva said, he could hear the smile in her voice.
"Reva, you shouldn't have come. You are still weak, let me get you a ride home." Josh offered hoping, though knowing it wouldn't work, to shoo her away.
"Don't worry I have a car waiting, but I had business with you, and I had to come." her voice changed to hint a softer sadder tone.
"What Reva, what do you want? Why are you here? We have nothing to talk about." Josh tried to sound curt and uncaring, but inside he was trembling thinking of what business she meant.
"Oh I beg to differ Joshua, we have plenty to discuss," never one to beat around the bush about things she continued, "namely Cassie and your intentions now that things have changed."
His back was to her again and he closed his eyes for a moment of clarity, his hand resting on the cold hard wooden desk top. It was coming and he knew it.
"Do you love her Josh? Do you love my sister like you still love me?" Reva's voice trembled. She had no idea how hard it would be to say those words. They felt like poison running from her lips.
It hit him. Those words crashed in on him, suffocating him, knowing he'd have to reply while looking into those eyes. The same ones he'd gazed into every single time they'd made love, or laughed, or shared heartbreak. The very eyes he looked into after each of their children were born.
Turning slowly, opening his eyes, he breathed deeply and met her gaze. He mustered every feeling of rage and anger over her not telling about the cancer and letting him believe she didn't care, letting him slip into the hurt that comes from the unknown in a relationship. He reached deep inside of himself and pulled out the absolute disbelief he felt in knowing that she would allow him the idea of a relationship with Cassie instead of fighting Heaven and Hell to protect her from the disease that had consumed her. He called on his hatred of Billy, his own brother, when he thought that Reva had chosen him. Never once did he bother to contemplate the idea that she had actually been trying to avoid the hate and the pain and make the landing a little softer for him. No, he needed to despise her for this deception to work.
Thinking he wanted an end to the presence of Reva Shayne in his life, he made his rebuttal harsh and cutting.
"Yes Reva, I do love Cassie very much, but yet not like I love you. What we had was different, and it is in the past…I have moved on." Josh spoke words of love for someone else, pushing Reva to her place in the past. She was being dismissed.
Before she could dare speak he added something else.
"You would do well to move on with the rest of your life now that you have one again also." The words cut like a knife.
She shifted in her chair, burning inside he had stoked some type of fire. All at once she began thinking of how she almost died; of his comforting and strong embrace in that cold hospital room; and how he had practically brought all of Springfield to rally at her side. How he willed her to wake up and walk out of that hospital room for him. Now she was reduced to this mindless, senseless conversation, in her sister's bedroom. The same bedroom he now shared with Cassie, beside the very bed that they went to each evening.
It was her turn.
"Josh, I did what I did because I was trying to protect you. I loved you, and I never stopped. You are my heart. I'm here now Joshua, I didn't die." Reva knew her voice was shaking; she rose from her chair to stand, arms set, face to face with him.
"I'm off trying to get better, and you go and...and get together with Cassie, my own sister, after all that we have been through." Reva's fists were clenched, and tears threatened to spill the banks of her liquid blue eyes.
Josh could feel her so close to him. He saw beyond the rage to the tears threatening to revel her. Though he wanted to reach out and for a moment touch her face, push the hurt away, he just continued to feed his own fire instead.
"Oh what Reva, just because you're alive now, I'm supposed to leave Cassie, a woman I can trust, who has never lied to me and go back with you? For what? Another couple of years of happiness before the next big Reva crisis occurs…and you run off God knows where?!" Josh was shouting now. Overtaken by rage for a moment, he let the words flood out.
When he was done, he stood in silence, shocked by the pure horror of what he had said. Did he really love Cassie that much more? Though he still looked enraged, that thought echoed through the silence of his soul.
Reva stood silent for a moment, eyes betraying her, tears cascading slowly down her cheeks. Eyes locked with his, she turned and stumbled. He caught her arm and she landed on the bed. He sat beside her, silence consuming them; fingers now entwined yet bodies worlds apart, wondering what next.
He was lost in the sadness he saw in her eyes, the tears so wet and revealing. He couldn't stand that he had helped them fall. Here they were once again trying to make sense of themselves.
She could hardly comprehend the enormity of the decisions she had made, that now colored their world red. She wondered if he really was gone forever. Her own sister…how...
After what seemed an eternity, they both found their way through the silence that hung heavy in the air around them, and slowly looked at each other. Josh reached up and brushed a last lingering tear from the soft skin of her cheek, inadvertently causing another to fall. She started to speak, but he placed his fingers to her lips. He leaned in and slowly rested his lips on hers. Drinking in the familiar smell of her and wanting more despite their words just moments before.
She welcomed the kiss, gentle, and familiar, as a silent reprieve from the battle yet undone.
Cassie meanwhile had returned home and was cautiously curious as to whose car might be outside. She quietly made her way up the stairs… working her way towards the open bedroom door.
Josh pulled slowly, almost painfully, away from Reva, realizing that this whole situation was much more complex then he previously thought. She knew as well as he did that no matter what, they were connected. Just a huge mass of sadness, anger, and love, trapped in the dark maze that, with hope, could lead out into forgiveness. Understanding, though miles away, was not untouchable they realized.
"What to do, oh Reva, what to do." Josh pleaded, his gaze dropping to his lap.
"I still love you Bud…always." She whispered. Her head resting casually on his shoulder, she felt him sigh, and tighten his grasp on her fingers.
Cassie finally reached the door, looking inside, her eyes widened for a moment. Resting against its frame, she contemplated leaving them to each other and the mess her sister had made of it. Instead, she cleared her throat loudly, breaking the silence and hopefully the moment. After all, she thought, since Reva wanted to give him up so badly, why shouldn't I take him. Let her fight for him.
Josh turned to see Cassie's eyes trained on Reva, burning a hole in her back, once again his gaze fell to the floor before him. Then he slowly released his grip on Reva's fingers, his elbows driven into his thighs he rested his head, so muddled by indecision, in his hands as both sisters filled this space with him.
Reva never looked back at Cassie, she didn't have too, she wasn't afraid, and she knew at that very moment that her decisions were not as permanent as she thought them to be.
Written By: Tania Roberts
Not As Permanent
When Reva arrived, the door to Cassie's room was open. Though Josh's back was to it he could suddenly feel her everywhere. He lowered his hand the papers he was holding, still in his now tighter grasp, fell slowly level with his thigh. He turned, and there, like a force of nature, stood Reva before him. She looked beautiful, but more than that she looked well. So different from the broken body he'd held next to him in Cedars. He didn't want to meet her gaze because he knew that if he did she would be able to reach inside of him and steal the feelings he was so desperately trying to hide. He knew she was capable of that he had felt her do it so many times before.
Reva stood there, silent, drinking in the moment. A soft smile the only clue to what she was thinking. She traced the lines of his face with her eyes, his usually softer jaw now set in stone cold defiance. His lips were a solid line displaying neither happiness nor sadness, just indifference to a situation he felt they could avoid. Then, just as she knew would happen, she settled her gaze upon his eyes, and the answer to her question was revealed.
Josh knew that she knew, and try as he might he could not stop himself from meeting and holding her gaze. He could never seem to shelve his love for her, no matter how many other feelings welled up behind it. He was mad, not ready to break down this wall, but the sight of her, well, and alive brought a joy he knew he'd never feel for anyone else. He dropped his gaze, hoping to convince her he felt nothing, yet knowing he had been discovered.
"How are you feeling?" he asked, then, not waiting for the reply he followed with an invitation."Would you like to come in?"
She was through the door and into a chair set neatly in the corner of the bedroom before he could finish his question.
"You are looking well." Josh commented as he pretended to busy himself with the papers in his hand.
He moved to the desk acting as if her presence didn't set his every nerve on fire.
"I'm feeling as well as can be expected given the circumstances of the other day." Reva said, he could hear the smile in her voice.
"Reva, you shouldn't have come. You are still weak, let me get you a ride home." Josh offered hoping, though knowing it wouldn't work, to shoo her away.
"Don't worry I have a car waiting, but I had business with you, and I had to come." her voice changed to hint a softer sadder tone.
"What Reva, what do you want? Why are you here? We have nothing to talk about." Josh tried to sound curt and uncaring, but inside he was trembling thinking of what business she meant.
"Oh I beg to differ Joshua, we have plenty to discuss," never one to beat around the bush about things she continued, "namely Cassie and your intentions now that things have changed."
His back was to her again and he closed his eyes for a moment of clarity, his hand resting on the cold hard wooden desk top. It was coming and he knew it.
"Do you love her Josh? Do you love my sister like you still love me?" Reva's voice trembled. She had no idea how hard it would be to say those words. They felt like poison running from her lips.
It hit him. Those words crashed in on him, suffocating him, knowing he'd have to reply while looking into those eyes. The same ones he'd gazed into every single time they'd made love, or laughed, or shared heartbreak. The very eyes he looked into after each of their children were born.
Turning slowly, opening his eyes, he breathed deeply and met her gaze. He mustered every feeling of rage and anger over her not telling about the cancer and letting him believe she didn't care, letting him slip into the hurt that comes from the unknown in a relationship. He reached deep inside of himself and pulled out the absolute disbelief he felt in knowing that she would allow him the idea of a relationship with Cassie instead of fighting Heaven and Hell to protect her from the disease that had consumed her. He called on his hatred of Billy, his own brother, when he thought that Reva had chosen him. Never once did he bother to contemplate the idea that she had actually been trying to avoid the hate and the pain and make the landing a little softer for him. No, he needed to despise her for this deception to work.
Thinking he wanted an end to the presence of Reva Shayne in his life, he made his rebuttal harsh and cutting.
"Yes Reva, I do love Cassie very much, but yet not like I love you. What we had was different, and it is in the past…I have moved on." Josh spoke words of love for someone else, pushing Reva to her place in the past. She was being dismissed.
Before she could dare speak he added something else.
"You would do well to move on with the rest of your life now that you have one again also." The words cut like a knife.
She shifted in her chair, burning inside he had stoked some type of fire. All at once she began thinking of how she almost died; of his comforting and strong embrace in that cold hospital room; and how he had practically brought all of Springfield to rally at her side. How he willed her to wake up and walk out of that hospital room for him. Now she was reduced to this mindless, senseless conversation, in her sister's bedroom. The same bedroom he now shared with Cassie, beside the very bed that they went to each evening.
It was her turn.
"Josh, I did what I did because I was trying to protect you. I loved you, and I never stopped. You are my heart. I'm here now Joshua, I didn't die." Reva knew her voice was shaking; she rose from her chair to stand, arms set, face to face with him.
"I'm off trying to get better, and you go and...and get together with Cassie, my own sister, after all that we have been through." Reva's fists were clenched, and tears threatened to spill the banks of her liquid blue eyes.
Josh could feel her so close to him. He saw beyond the rage to the tears threatening to revel her. Though he wanted to reach out and for a moment touch her face, push the hurt away, he just continued to feed his own fire instead.
"Oh what Reva, just because you're alive now, I'm supposed to leave Cassie, a woman I can trust, who has never lied to me and go back with you? For what? Another couple of years of happiness before the next big Reva crisis occurs…and you run off God knows where?!" Josh was shouting now. Overtaken by rage for a moment, he let the words flood out.
When he was done, he stood in silence, shocked by the pure horror of what he had said. Did he really love Cassie that much more? Though he still looked enraged, that thought echoed through the silence of his soul.
Reva stood silent for a moment, eyes betraying her, tears cascading slowly down her cheeks. Eyes locked with his, she turned and stumbled. He caught her arm and she landed on the bed. He sat beside her, silence consuming them; fingers now entwined yet bodies worlds apart, wondering what next.
He was lost in the sadness he saw in her eyes, the tears so wet and revealing. He couldn't stand that he had helped them fall. Here they were once again trying to make sense of themselves.
She could hardly comprehend the enormity of the decisions she had made, that now colored their world red. She wondered if he really was gone forever. Her own sister…how...
After what seemed an eternity, they both found their way through the silence that hung heavy in the air around them, and slowly looked at each other. Josh reached up and brushed a last lingering tear from the soft skin of her cheek, inadvertently causing another to fall. She started to speak, but he placed his fingers to her lips. He leaned in and slowly rested his lips on hers. Drinking in the familiar smell of her and wanting more despite their words just moments before.
She welcomed the kiss, gentle, and familiar, as a silent reprieve from the battle yet undone.
Cassie meanwhile had returned home and was cautiously curious as to whose car might be outside. She quietly made her way up the stairs… working her way towards the open bedroom door.
Josh pulled slowly, almost painfully, away from Reva, realizing that this whole situation was much more complex then he previously thought. She knew as well as he did that no matter what, they were connected. Just a huge mass of sadness, anger, and love, trapped in the dark maze that, with hope, could lead out into forgiveness. Understanding, though miles away, was not untouchable they realized.
"What to do, oh Reva, what to do." Josh pleaded, his gaze dropping to his lap.
"I still love you Bud…always." She whispered. Her head resting casually on his shoulder, she felt him sigh, and tighten his grasp on her fingers.
Cassie finally reached the door, looking inside, her eyes widened for a moment. Resting against its frame, she contemplated leaving them to each other and the mess her sister had made of it. Instead, she cleared her throat loudly, breaking the silence and hopefully the moment. After all, she thought, since Reva wanted to give him up so badly, why shouldn't I take him. Let her fight for him.
Josh turned to see Cassie's eyes trained on Reva, burning a hole in her back, once again his gaze fell to the floor before him. Then he slowly released his grip on Reva's fingers, his elbows driven into his thighs he rested his head, so muddled by indecision, in his hands as both sisters filled this space with him.
Reva never looked back at Cassie, she didn't have too, she wasn't afraid, and she knew at that very moment that her decisions were not as permanent as she thought them to be.
Written By: Tania Roberts
